my beautiful baby girl. you are at such an interesting age. you want to be so independent, but you want mama so so much. besides "but why??", your most asked questions are "hold me? keep me?" and "play with me?". I am trying so hard to find a balance between caring for June (teething, needy, always wanting to be held), giving you the attention you want, and keeping up with household chores. and on top of all that, I am feeling such a need to pour my focus into something for me, something meaningful....like writing a book or working on launching a business or working with essential oils to rid our home of toxic products. but i don't have the time to do it all. and that is the challenge of motherhood! today when i put you down for your nap, i felt like such a failure as a mom. we had friends over to play this morning and when i told you who was coming over you said, "no, i just want to play by myself". then i had to spank you 3 times before 9:30 because you were deliberately disobeying- like i would tell you don't do something and you would look at me and do it again just to test if i was serious. so we weren't off to a great start... then we had a great play date and you were tired after. you wanted your orange blanket and leche and wanted to cuddle and read books. we just changed your room to add in a twin size bed so we can start transferring you out of your crib and i think you feel a little uncertain about everything and are looking for extra love and stability from me. June refused to be put down and even when i was holding her on my lap while sitting next to you cuddling and reading, she kept crying and crying. i was frustrated and put you down a little quicker than normal so i could go tend to sister and I think you felt tossed aside. you cry every time i put you to bed- nap or night time, so today was no different. and maybe it was just normal crying, but to me, your cry said "you aren't meeting my needs, mama" and i hate it! i want to love on you extra today. hopefully this weekend when daddy is home i can take you out just us two and we can go on a date together- just mom and johanna! anyway, all of this to say that I am trying so hard and if you even remember anything from this age (i sure don't!), i hope you remember that i LOVE you. that i am doing my best to guide you in the way of the Lord- to teach you to obey, to be a helper, to love others, and to be respectful. one thing i have been doing lately when you start throwing fits is to say how i love you over and over..."I love you when you're crying and i love you when you're happy. i love you when you're sleeping and i love you when you're playing. i love you when you're grumpy and i love you when you're silly. i love you when you're drinking milk and i love you when you're jumping on the trampoline. etc. etc. etc." that always seems to calm you down and i pray that it speaks to your deep desire to know that you are loved UNCONDITIONALLY! because i do love you unconditionally- no matter what you do, no matter who you grow up to be, no matter if you are rich or poor, no matter if you stay home as a mom or work a job, no matter if you keep your hair long or wear it short, no matter if you hate dogs like me or want to be a veterinarian, no matter where you move to, no matter who you marry, no matter how many children you have, no matter what I LOVE YOU. always and forever. nothing you can do will ever change my love for you. i pray that i deeply instill that in you now as my toddler that you can always trust me to be there for you. to help you when you're in trouble- no matter how big or terrible the problem. and even if there are times that you frustrate me or that i feel disappointed in you, it does not change my love for you! and i am human- sometimes i will have unrealistic expectations of you. sometimes i will be annoyed at you when you've done nothing wrong. i pray that i give you enough grace that you will learn to give me grace when i am being unfair. and i pray that you would learn to talk to me about it- to tell me your feelings and to share with me always. this post took a completely different turn than what i expected- this is more so written for the teenage Johanna....but anyway, i was just feeling a lot and had to get some of this written down for you. you are about to wake up from your nap and *knock on wood* June is still napping, so hopefully i can make up for earlier by reading and cuddling you now! xoxoxo
always yours,
mommy
always yours,
mommy
